The Coronation is over, and one of my abiding memories is Penny Mordaunt cos-playing Game of Thrones while the beautiful 6th century Augustine gospels were relegated to bit-part status. I watched a fair bit of the Coronation in the end, switching from BBC to ITV when Huw Edwards kept talking over one of the few things that was truly majestic, the music.

Social media was unforgiving and occasionally bonkers in its comments about Penny Mordaunt’s ability to walk, hold a sword, and wear and hat & frock combo at the same time, in her ceremonial role of Lord High Embellisher of the Pointy Thing. Views ranged from the drooling adoration of parliamentarian stans to the iconoclastic take-downs of British satirical culture.

Personally, I’d like to know how many thousands of pounds her custom-made fancy dress costume cost and who’s paying for it - I’m presuming it’s being claimed for on expenses, so I’m guessing that’ll be the taxpayer.

Adrian Chiles, the inexplicably regular Guardian columnist who just happens to be married to its editor, asked, ‘Is this what marks you out as a leader now? ... Choose a nice outfit and hold a sword steady for nearly an hour: is that what it takes these days to capture the imagination, to win respect? When the next Tory leader is chosen, let’s dispense with the voting and instead just line up the contenders at the hustings, give them all a sword to hold, and see whose weapon is last to wobble’. Ok, well maybe everybody has an ‘on’ day, even Adrian.

Anyway, here are my top 5 ‘what did she look like?’ suggestions.

1. ‘She’s been to Poundland’ - this was an observation of the colour and logo on said hat and frock that was probably lost on most of her Tory MP ‘older male’ fan base such as George Freeman, Michael Fabricant and ‘30p Lee’ Anderson, what with them probably not having to shop in Poundland. Or indeed Lidl. Or Aldi. Or Asda. (Stop me when we get to Waitrose.)

2. ‘Scandinavian airline air hostess outfit’ - the observation from conservative columnist Matthew Parris in the Times aimed to expose the absurdity of the whole ‘panto on steroids’ to which Mordaunt’s costume contributed. It raises the question, does Parris think that Mordaunt dresses for the male gaze? The lesbian gaze? For her own gaze while standing in front of her own mirror? He’s not a fan of the idea of her in leadership, that we do know. Friday night’s Have I Got News For You called it a ‘Greek airline’ outfit - you can always rely on Ian Hislop’s TV show to know when classical symbolism is being butchered.

3. Star Trek’s Counselor Deanna Troi was the inspired suggestion from my local Portsmouth NextDoor app. ‘Where have I seen her outfit before?’ asked Andrew from North End. No suggestions of majesty or Mount Olympus from her constituents here - it was straight to Star Trek costumery. I expect they’re more consumed with the stinking sewage scandal these days than what their MP thinks passes for antiquity-inspired high fashion, so fair play to the North Portsmuthians.

4. A Commander’s wife in The Handmaid’s Tale - and a vision in teal. This was a frequent suggestion on twitter and Mumsnet, with a lot of associated ridicule of Mordaunt’s perceived stance on tradducing women’s sex-based rights for the sake of pandering to her bezzies’ love of extreme genderology. Don’t worry though - she’s only a bit extreme when running for leadership of the Conservative Party, say her middle-aged man stans in the tea-rooms of parliament. Or maybe not at all. So that’s all right then. Penny can be Schrödinger's Conservative!

5. It’s all gone a bit Monty Python - strange women distributing swords are no basis for a system of government, Mordaunt reminded us in a most profoundly disturbing way. I was glad that others were thinking of that scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail as it is etched onto my memory as one of the cleverest, funniest things I ever encountered upon leaving the somewhat mediaevally-minded and ‘careful now’ culture of the Isle of Man in the late 70s (where the Life of Brian was banned, yay) and landing in the decadence of Newcastle upon Tyne. Never did I think I’d end up knowing an actual Lady of the Lake in real life. Lucky old me.

“So wondrous wild, the whole might seem

the scenery of a fairy dream”

― Walter Scott, The Lady of the Lake

Or as Mordaunt’s sewage-plagued constituents might say, ‘she’s the only one not covered in shit’.

Well, about that …

Images: acknowledgements

The Lady of the Lake by Vulpa-Art: https://www.deviantart.com/vulpa-art/art/Lady-of-the-Lake-732078234

Wiki Commons / the Twittersphere